“Boxing is just show business with blood.” -Bruno Frank
“Housework is just boxing with dog poop.” -Jeff Brown
Announcer: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the main event. In the red corner, sporting a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner and roll of paper towels is Jeff “Steamin’ Mad at Dirt” Brown. In the blue corner, weighing 24 pounds and completely covered with white fur, is his wife’s dog, the American Eskimo “I’m too Old to Have Control Over My Intestinal Track” Traveler.
(The bell rings.)
Traveler: (Wanders into the living room.)
Jeff: (Turns off vacuum.) Do you need to go outside, boy? (Picks Traveler up and takes him out.)
Announcer: Jeff is off to an explosive start. He took Traveler completely by surprise with his fancy footwork. Traveler is in for a tough fight.
Jeff: Stay here until you’ve done your business.
Traveler: Where am I?
Jeff: Don’t come to the door until you’re done. Do you hear me?
Traveler: There’s that mumbling again. What the- how did I get outside?
Announcer: Although it’s still early, Jeff appears to be dominating the match. Traveler isn’t keeping up with all of Jeff’s bobbing and weaving. He’d better wake up soon or he risks going down.
Traveler: I have to get back inside. Where’s the house? (Turns around and paces in the yard.)
Jeff: (Watching Traveler from the window.) Good grief, that dog takes forever to do nothing. I have work to do. (Resumes vacuuming.)
Announcer: It looks like Jeff has backed off. I’m not sure what Jeff’s strategy is, but this might be Traveler’s chance to get back in the fight.
Traveler: (Bumps into the front step.) That’s what I’m looking for. (He climbs up the step and scratches at the front door.)
Jeff: (Shuts vacuum off and hears a faint scraping.) Oh, yeah, I almost forgot about the dumb dog. (Opens the door.)
Traveler: (Races back into the house and poops on the carpet.)
Announcer: I can’t believe this folks! In an amazing turn of events, Traveler counter-punched Jeff and he’s down on the canvas.
Referee: (Standing over Jeff.) One…Two…Three…
Announcer: Jeff’s getting up, but he’s clearly dazed by that powerful blow.
Jeff: You dumb dog! Why didn’t you poop outside? (Grabs Traveler and carries him back out the door.)
Announcer: They’re in a clinch, but the referee ordered them to break.
Jeff: (Sets the dog down in the grass and lightly swats him on the butt.) Stay out here and think about what you did! (Goes back inside.)
Announcer: Uh-oh, Jeff got warned for hitting Traveler below the belt.
Traveler: What the- how did I get back outside?
Jeff: (Tears off half a roll of paper towels and carefully picks up the turds.) That dog makes me so mad. I’ll show him who’s the boss. (Grabs a leash and goes back outside. He hooks Traveler’s collar.)
Announcer: Jeff certainly has roared back to life in this barnburner. Traveler is on the ropes!
Jeff: (Tugs on the leash.) Let’s go for a walk, Traveler.
Traveler: Hold on, big guy, I have to pee first.
Jeff: Not on the sidewalk!
Traveler: (Stands in the puddle for a moment, then walks back and forth through it.)
Announcer: Traveler is raining down a powerful combination of punches on Jeff. There’s a left jab followed by a right hook. Jeff’s taking a beating, but somehow holding on.
Jeff: I can’t believe you, dog. Come on dummy, let’s go back inside. (Unhooks the leash.)
Traveler: I’m hungry. It’s time for a treat. (Runs to the kitchen and begins barking by the pantry.)
Jeff: (Following Traveler.) No way, dog, you’re not getting any treats from me. You’ve been a bad boy.
Traveler: I need a tasty treat. (Wanders out of the kitchen and down the hall.)
Jeff: (Begins cleaning the dishes.) I swear all that dog is good for is making messes. (Hears a loud thud from the other room.) Oh, no.
Announcer: Traveler has turned out to be a real brawler in this fight. Jeff’s speed and agility are no match for this dog’s raw power.
Jeff: (Drops a dish and runs down the hall with his hands dripping.) Oh, no!
Announcer: Kaboom! Traveler creamed Jeff’s jaw with a right hook. It looks like Jeff is going down again.
Traveler: Here’s my yummy snack. (He grabs a treat with his teeth and drops it on the carpet.)
Jeff: Get out of the cat’s litter box you numskull!
Announcer: Jeff has kissed the canvass!
Referee: One…Two…Three…
Traveler: (Stumbles and spills litter everywhere.)
Referee: Four…Five…Six…
Jeff: (Drops to his knees.) Why? (He looks at the ceiling and throws his hands in the air.) Why?
Announcer: I don’t think Jeff is getting up.
Referee: Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten.
(Bell Rings.)
Announcer: There you have it folks. Jeff is down and out and Traveler is the new champion of the house.
Traveler: Where am I?