“I’m here to rescue you.”  – Luke Skywalker

“I’m here to scoop your sidewalk.” – Jeff Brown

Chief Meteorologist:  Get ready for the first major snow event of the season.

Ugh, I thought, as I watched the evening news.  My career as a Professional Snow Removal Technician (motto: we put the “labor” in “manual labor”) was set to begin in the morning, and I needed to get ready.  I fumbled through my coat closet.

Parka?  Check.  Coveralls?  Check.  Ski mask?

My wife bought me a ski mask a few weeks earlier and I hadn’t tried it on yet.  I pulled it over my head and it snagged my glasses.  Good grief.  I yanked it off and my poor glasses hit the floor.  I picked them up and tried again, only this time I put the ski mask on first.  Then I slid my glasses on carefully through the ski mask’s face hole.

Needless to say, I was uncomfortable.

I headed for the nearest mirror to see what I looked like.  Staring back at me was some sort of lanky ninja/Jedi wannabe.  My glasses fogged up when I breathed and I whined, “With my ski mask on, I can’t even see.  How am I supposed to scoop snow?”

Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Jeff.

Then I felt myself being drawn to the dark side.

Yoda:  It is a good idea to scare your wife not.

But I couldn’t help myself.  I could almost hear the evil Star Wars theme (you know, the music that played whenever Darth Vader was around) as I walked, no, strode down the hallway towards my unsuspecting wife.

Da da da da da da!

She was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror.  When she turned around and saw me, I didn’t get the response I was expecting.

Princess Vickie:  Darth Jeff.  Only you could be so bold.  The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this.  When they hear you attacked me in the bathroom–

Darth Jeff: Don’t act so surprised, Your Highness.  I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.

Princess Vickie: I don’t know what you’re talking about… and you look freaky.

Darth Jeff:  Man, you didn’t even jump.

Then our wookie, Arlo, saw me and nearly had a stroke.

Arlo:  Bark! *cough cough*

He hacked so much he nearly puked.  I always thought it would be neat to choke people with mind powers like Darth Vader, but this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

I took the mask off and went back down the hallway.  Dreading the impending snow storm, I remembered a happier, simpler time– a time of unseasonably warm temperatures.

Obi-Wan:  I have something here for you.  Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it.  He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade like your father did.

Jeff Skywalker:  What is it?

Obi-Wan:  Your father’s snow shovel.  This is the tool of a Professional Snow Removal Technician.  Not as clumsy or random as a gas-powered snow blower; an elegant tool for a more civilized age.  For over a thousand generations, the Shovel Wielding Professional Snow Removal Technicians were the guardians of sidewalks and driveways in the Old Republic.  Before the dark times…before the first major snow event of the season.

Chewbacca:  Raaaaaaalph!

R2-D2:  Beep, beep.

Dad:  None of this ever happened.  What’s the matter with you, Jeff?

Yeah, I have to admit I’m not terribly excited about being a Professional Snow Removal Technician, but until I win the lottery, this line of work will have to do.  I try to think of snow removal as character building.  Perhaps, someday, it’ll even help be grow stronger in the ways of the Force.

Chief Meteorologist:  Get out your shovel because *cough* it’s going to start snowing tonight.   *cough cough* (He tugs at his collar and keels over.)