“Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.” – Jim Fiebig 

“Age and possible lactose intolerance don’t diminish the extreme disappointment I have if a scoop of ice cream falls from the cone.”                   – Jeff Brown

So, I turned 40 recently. Yep, the big four oh, I’m getting old. (If you feel sorry for me and would like to send a card or present, it’s not too late.) Somebody asked me if I felt any different after reaching this milestone (translation: do you feel rustier, stiffer, achy, or just plain like crap?). I shook my head and replied in the wisest, most authoritative, most age appropriate 900 year old Yoda-like tone I could muster, “State of mind, age is. Hmmmmmm.”

I suppose if that were really true, I’d be about 10 years old. I still like dinosaurs, the space program, old cars, pizza, and ice cream. Too bad I’ve reached the big four oh, my aching stomach! For the last year or so I’ve been experiencing on and off again intestinal discomfort (I’ll spare you the details). According to my doctor, as we age sometimes people who have never had problems with milk or dairy products (translation: anything that makes me go “yum.”) may suddenly develop lactose intolerance.

I still don’t know if I have it or not, (I’m being tested) but I’m worried this might be the first domino. Lactose intolerance today, the big four oh, pass me another incontinence diaper tomorrow. Speaking of incontinence, I recently saw a TV commercial promoting the fact that Medicare will now pay for up to 200 brand new clean catheters a month. This apparently is great news for a lot of folks and it makes me wonder how far away I am from reaching the big four oh, I’m so excited because I hit the catheter jackpot!

Where was I? Please forgive me if this column meanders and doesn’t make sense. I have a good excuse because I’ve reached the big four oh, I can’t remember what I was talking about. Doctors say this is closely related to the big four oh, I can’t find my car keys and the big four oh, honey, where’s the new tube of Preparation H? 

It’s not a cure, but I think I’ve found an effective treatment for the big four oh, my aching back and the big four oh, is it cold in here or is it just me? It’s my seed corn pillow. (As the name implies, it’s a pillow with seed corn in it.) Although it’s not related to dinosaurs and it doesn’t have a creamy filling, I love it because you can heat it up in the microwave and it will stay warm for a long time. I pop mine in for three minutes and take it to bed with me during the winter. I place it on, under, or near whatever body part happens to be aching. What I really need is a seed corn mattress, but I’m not sure how to heat it.

My wife is a little younger than I am. (I’m not going into any more detail because I’d like to live to see my next birthday.) Despite this, I think she’s already reached the big four oh, it’s so late I think I’m going to bed. This happens nearly every evening about 8:30 PM. When I point this out to her, she insists that she’s never really been a night person.

If I was younger, I might use this as an opportunity to tease my wife, but at my age I’m older and wiser and, did I mention older? As Yoda would say, “It is smart to provoke your wife not. Yes, hmmm.”

Besides, after having officially reached 40, I’m too tired to defend myself at 8:30 PM- it’s way past my bedtime.