“I’ve got two tickets to paradise.” –Eddie Money

“I’ve got two tickets to Graceland and other less notable places too numerous to mention here.” – Jeff Brown

You’ve been doing a great job helping my Dad and me in the lawn care business this summer.  Next week, however, I’m going on vacation to Graceland and other less notable places too numerous to mention here, and you’ll have to take up the slack.  Your work to this point has been impressive, but you’re not a Jedi yet.  Here are some little golden nuggets of information that might help.  Good luck!

1. For fun and entertainment, I like to give my days themes.  For example, there’s Manual Labor Monday, I Got Something in my Eye Tuesday, Man, I drank too much Mountain Dew Wednesday, Cripes it’s hot Thursday, and, if you make it to the end of the week without a heat stroke, you can look forward to Casual Friday.  Yes, leave your suit and tie at home.
2. Even though it’s Casual Friday, and it might be really hot outside, I strongly encourage you to wear a shirt.  We try to look professional here.
3. For the umpteenth time, this goes for you too, Dad!
4. If it’s Man, I Drank too Much Mountain Dew Wednesday, and you urgently need to get to a bathroom, don’t be afraid to tell my dad.  Chances are he has to go too, and, besides, he’s already used to making frequent stops at the local convenience store because, let’s face it, I have to go ALL OF THE TIME.
5. Be sure to bring a screwdriver or a stick or something to scrape with when you’re mowing Dog Poop Alley.
6. I don’t call it Dog Poop Alley for nothing.
7. If the tractor we lovingly refer to as “The Brute” doesn’t want to start, I’ve found it helpful to stroke her hood and whisper in her carburetor, “Wehrenberg.”
8. That’s just weird.
9. Hey, it works.
10. If you break down or run out of gas, you can be sure that it will happen very far away from the truck (i.e. the tools and gas can) every single solitary time without exception.  This is Newton’s Fourth Law of Mowing.
11. When you’re at Fuss Bucket’s house, be prepared for tons of helpful advice on your mowing pattern and trimming methodology.
12. I have other hilarious and descriptive nicknames for Fuss Bucket too.
13. Oh, yeah?
14. Yeah, but there’s no way I’m writing them here.
15. Do you have anything else to say to the temp?
16. Yes I do.  In the immortal words of Sergeant Phil Esterhaus, “Hey, let’s be careful out there.”
17. Who the heck is that?
18. You know, that character from the eighties TV show Hill Street Blues.
19. The temp is seventeen years old.   He isn’t going to get that stupid reference.  He wasn’t even born until 1995.
20. Now I’m really feeling old.
21. Any other words of wisdom?  You’re near your 650 word limit.
22. Who says I have to keep this under 650 words?  It’s not like I have an editor.
23. This is painfully apparent.
24. Well, wait a second.  I do have my wife occasionally check for typos and dangling participles and stuff like that.
25. Okay, I’m waiting for it.
26. What?
27. Your dangling participle joke.
28. After thinking intensely, the punch line escaped me.
29. Real professional.  Do you at least have a good ending for this column?  You know– something profound that pulls everything together and wraps it up in a nice bow?
30. Not really.  Did I mention I’m going on vacation?  I’m feeling pretty lazy right now, so I think I’ll just rip off some song lyrics from Eddie Money.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise,

Won’t you pack your bags, we’ll leave tonight,

I’ve got two tickets to Graceland,

And other less notable places too numerous to mention here because I’m way over my word limit!