Jeff 

Master of None
 

Welcome...

 

You've reached the website of humor columnist Jeff Brown.  Although he likes to consider himself a "Jack of all Trades," his efforts at work, car repairs, home improvement projects, relationships with his pets, and body building, (he has a Weider 5000) always seem to prove him to be, well...not so much.

Read Jeff's column "Master of None" here every other week or so.  Most of the website is set up as a blog, so feel free to click on a story title and make a comment when you  feel the urge.  (He wants to at least create the illusion that lot's of people come here.) 


But, if you do, just remember what Tom Hanks' mom used to say, "If you can't be nice, you're as dumb as a box of chocolates."

Employment Wanted

 

Humor Columnist

           

Award winning humor columnist (Pinewood Derby Champion, 1980) seeks writing gig to supplement lawn-mowing income.  Will work for food, especially Pop-tarts. 

 

Although I like to consider myself a “Jack of all Trades,” my efforts at work, car repairs, home improvement projects, relationships with my pets, and body building  (I have a Weider 5000) always seem to prove me to be, well…not so much.  My weekly column, Master of None, uses unique humor to appeal to anyone who has a job, family, pet, or is experimenting with fiber supplements.  (Benefiber seems to work for me.) 

 

            Dietary Restrictions

            I’d work for Cheetos, but I’m lactose intolerant.

 

Objective

To be your favorite humor columnist. (Or at least in your top 43.)

 

            Useful Professional Experience                                                                 

 

·2011 National Society of Newspaper Columnists 1st Place Winner.  (Online, Blog, and Multimedia Column Category.  Under 100,000 monthly unique visitors.)  http://www.columnists.com/?page_id=6637

 

·Honorable Mention in Aug/Sept 2011 www.HumorPress.com writing contest.

 

·I’ve had guest columns in the Cedar Rapids Gazette and the California publication Foolish Times.

 

·My old Ford and I have been featured in Vintage Truck magazine.  (Of course, I wrote the entire story myself.)

 

·My columns appear regularly at my hometown news web site www.belleplainenow.com and I’m Mr. Product Description Guy for www.doubletakedesign.org.

 

As if all of this experience isn’t impressive enough, I’m a highly motivated professional who pours his blood, sweat, and tears into all of his columns.  (This is why you should probably wash your hands after reading this.)

Calling all Editors!

Interested in having Jeff write for your publication or web site?  It's more affordable than you might think.  In fact, if you have a budget for this sort of thing, it will probably be just fine.  Jeff needs to start earning a little cash right now or he's going to end up fudging your order at the local fast food joint.

 

In these days of decline in the news industry, newspapers need to recognize that columnists still have value in getting and keeping readers.  Jeff has had total strangers (not his mom) go up to him and say that they've clipped one of his columns and hung it on their refrigerator.  Now, Jeff isn't expecting to get rich writing columns, but when somebody tells him one of his stories is attached to one of their major appliances, well, it just makes all the hard work worth it.   Maybe, just maybe, Jeff is good enough to make it in this tough industry.

 

Also, although he's not a bad writer, he doesn't have any other marketable skills. Jeff is terrible at things like "remembering your order" and the whole concept of "making change" gives him a stomachache.

 

So, do the world a favor and help keep Jeff out of the general working population by hiring him to do what he does best- writing about his pathetic life.   (Yeah, his wife's old incontinent dog should be cleaning up after him, not the other way around.)   He promises he won't offend anyone but possibly himself, and he has pretty thick skin. 

 

Who knows?   The life you save might be your own.


Contact Jeff at jeff@jeffmasterofnone.com