Did You See This Turd?

“People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles.” –Emily Dickenson

“People need an old pet and a lot of paper towels to develop psychic muscles.” –Jeff Brown

As I rubbed my eyes and shuffled towards the kitchen, I noticed something strange on the step leading to my wife’s office.  It looked like a half-melted tootsie roll.   Vickie, who had gotten up a little earlier than me, was already working at her desk.

“Uh, Vick,” I said, “Did you see this cat turd?”

She shot me a puzzled look. 

I continued to the kitchen, grabbed a paper towel, and shuffled back.  “This one,” I said, as I bent over and picked it up.

She shrugged and said, “Nope.”

My dear readers, do you fully understand the serious implications of the situation I am describing for you here?  It seems this completely average, normal, ordinary guy has developed a type of extrasensory perception.  Yes, a brand of ESP that has given me the amazing ability to see things that other people can’t see—well, at least things my wife can’t see.      

I see poop—poop that shouldn’t be there.

I guess you could say I’m a special kind of poop whisperer.  Okay, on second thought… not really—maybe more of a poop psychic. 

Interesting Fact:  Poop Psychics have the extraordinary sense of awareness when something gastronomical has happened in an inappropriate place, like anywhere inside my house.

Stuff happens. 

To put things into better context for you, our furry herd of little critters is entirely comprised of geriatrics.  Lacy, our youngest cat, is twelve.  Arlo, the lone doggy, is thirteen.  Shadow, the patriarch of the group, is twenty.  According to the cat age calculator I found online, this means Shadow is ninety-six in human years.  And he has the ninety-six, err, twenty-year-old colon to prove it.  What this means for poor Shadow is he always seems to be constipated.  Our veterinarian has prescribed a special stool softener for him, which Vickie laces his food with regularly. 

It works pretty well.  These days he always seems about to poop, to be in the process of pooping, or has recently pooped.   If you plan to stop by our house for a visit, keep in mind this urge might strike him anytime, anywhere. 

Another Interesting Fact:  Shadow could give the Easter bunny a run for his money.

I can be minding my own business when he’ll just saunter by, pause for a moment, and poop right in front of me.  Don’t think this upsets me–not at all.  I’m at the point where I’m happy and thrilled whenever Shadow has a bowel movement, no matter when and where it may happen.  Heck, it’s practically reason for celebration in my household, but I sometimes wonder if this is what my elementary school teacher meant when she said, “Show your work.”

Anyhow, if anybody asks, it’s true.  I seem to have spontaneously developed the supernatural ability to see poop where other people can’t.  I don’t have a clue as to how it happened.  To be honest, I stumbled into it.  In fact, that happened earlier today.  As I scraped the bottom of my shoe with a Popsicle stick, I asked my wife,

“Did you see this cat turd?”


Bonus Pics from Jeff’s Phone…

I affectionately refer to Shadow as, “The Big Guy.” (Not to be confused with Joe Biden, although I suspect he has similar issues.)

Lacy using the litter box.